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 A Return.... of sorts.

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TyrannosaurTJ
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PostSubject: A Return.... of sorts.   Thu Feb 08, 2018 11:50 am

Let me start this by simply saying: I am around, but never will be like how I was.

For those who didn't see my post a while back in the JPL memorial thread, I'm going to re-share and reiterate some of it here, but expand upon how I was feeling internally a bit and how my handle on my mental illness was back then. I will say that after shutting JPL down it took me about 9 to 10 months or so to realize that I was still a fan of the Jurassic series. My fandom has been problematic for a long time, especially ever since JP3 and the constant turbulent nature of the fandom day-in and day-out made things worse for me because of my mental illness and people using that either to prey upon me by manipulating me or all on me for merely having a persistent cloud to my judgement that would even take "well thought out decisions" and sour them altogether entirely. The truth I had to realize that any kind of anything negative in my life was leading me to ultimately neglecting my mental illness. I used to believe I could overcome it myself without external help and frankly, I was wrong and delusional then with that belief. Sure I have a greater sense of self than most, and that is a good thing in conjunction with my condition. That said, this is the plus in the situation, but there's nothing quite like sitting there with that realization as your world routinely reduces itself to ash and knowing you don't have the ability to stop it whatsoever no matter what details you alter or attempt to change.

I really hated having to deal with the stressors I had to while maintaining JPL. I would routinely have my own motivation killed for wanting to update the content on the site and that's why a lot of it fell to being out-of-date or not as expansive as I would have wanted it to be at the time. While I've not had it particularly easy in my life both offline and even online. There are some things I still haven't even discussed in therapy to this day because I would rather focus on the now rather than the then albeit I do need to look back at those things to help me improve. I am working on it though as insurmountable as it is. There is so much toxicity involved in Internet fandoms anymore since the accessibility of the Internet has opened up to a wider range of people that it is now nothing like how it was in the mid/late '90s when I first started using the 'net at about the age of 12 or 13. On JPL I was all about chasing and recapturing that feeling because fandoms to me were meant to be supportive and basically there for you in the end. Basically a place where everybody is friendly, knows your name, and would be de facto advocates in your corner should that kind of support was needed. I was insanely driven by the notion of preserving that belief at the point of self-sacrifice though and I would even go off the rails when it came to doing anything or making decisions that would lead to the preservation of that ideal. A nobel cause, but one to so easily get misguided in doing and become a slave to if your own mental health isn't like everybody else that have a decent handling on their mental health.

As I drew my lines in the sand, all for my benefit of needing to heal, I did feel still feel strongly for the encyclopedia and what I set out to do with it. The encyclopedia was a cause I genuinely believed in because it was the acquisition and archival of knowledge. I wanted that to be my focal point if I was to get involved in any capacity ever again and I even wanted it to be what I was known for above all else in the end. Knowledge is power and to me people feeling empowered by knowing things is ultimately important. Outside of that, knowledge is for progress and understanding and ultimately leads to enlightenment. People can choose their own path, but I would rather do something that shows that path is available to those who want to take or embark on it. So during and a bit after the shut down I took precautions to pass the encyclopedia and knowledge acquired by JPL over the years on should I not want that responsibility or sick of the eventual desire of doing it. I took precautions when shutting JPL down for this manage to preserve not only just the content portions of the main JPL site, the encyclopedia, but also the plans to expand upon it on my hard drives. I didn't backup the forum (because the database was so unwieldly large and tempermental to backup), but I did talk with others who did for including those elements that pertained to the encyclopedia and going forward with any project for in the future. I made provisions for myself in case I found my love for the franchise again and frankly I think that helped me immensely in finding my way back to it eventually as I have. Though honestly, I've been spending my time varianting my fandoms or rotating them every couple of months to keep them fresh and prevent them from going stale, while simultaneously staying out of the politics involved in fandoms altogether.

Back on JPL I had stopped updating things so much as I lacked that drive to expand the content because of the constant turmoil and conflict I faced, sometimes even for doing what I believed the right thing was at the time. I know the "right thing" is rarely, if ever, popular and while I tried to push myself to a measure of accountability and making the decisions based on what I believed until new evidence came to light it was always reducing itself to one stale repeat after repeat of the situation again and again with opening the door to additional conflict and turmoil. Unfortunately the evolution of the Internet culture has pushed to more people acting out and being jerks for the lol's as the anonymity "protects" them while posting a rude comment online. In the end, I can only hope this trend changes some day, but the acceptance I took here is that it isn't my fight anymore and frankly while I pissed a lot of people off by choosing my side of wanting to maintain a copacetic and hopefully respectful environment it was always filled with comments sniping people and facade-like conditions or rather superficial behavior that was ultimately fake or subversive for what reason I don't know. My opinion on humanity is sour given the fact of what I've been through in life and always seeing it for what it is. The misanthropy and introverted behaviors were already there, dealing with the constant idiocy of it all basically eroded any resistance I had built up to it altogether in the end though. My resolve should've been stronger in this case than that, but I am aware it obviously isn't and therefore why I had no business doing what I was doing from the get-go.

Outside of that, if I needed to make the decision again to shut the site down for myself so I could start concentrating on getting a handle on my health I would again almost every single time because I need to be my strongest advocate for my mental and physical health as no one else was going to do it in the end nor did I expect anybody to be my strongest advocate unless I was otherwise incapable of it altogether and unaware. Once I got serious about my recovery, about confronting my illness, and even attempting to get a better handle on me being symptomatic when my episodes would happen things have been remarkably easier for me, I still have my moods, but being able to isolate in all cases of it weighing me down is better. The constant anger and constant outrage due to stress was just consistently too much on me and continually wore me down and out. I had my therapist, friends, and even my dad both approaching me (albeit on egg shells no less!) and independently discussing that the site needed to go because not only was it destroying me, it was also destroying all of them as well. The realization I was miserable because of it needing to flat out be changed. I knew it had to be shut down because I had made multiple attempts to get away and get better ended with the replacement (ACR and Mulder both independently) not being able to handle it whatsoever and passing it back to me along with even me to be unhappy with the handling of the particular situation of the second or moment.

I will always appreciate those that were honest, worked hard, and ultimately tried to do their best on the site. I feel a lot of gratitude towards those individuals if even the relationship turned sour in the end with them for me pulling the plug to start advocating for myself. I'm not going to apologize though for choosing me. I just hope this can eventually be understood that I was on a one-way ticket of self destruction if I didn't choose me. Please just empathize with my position. There's a lot I do not discuss not because I don't want to or anything, but genuinely because of an inability to revisit it because I am finished with torturing myself and I am finished with others doing it for me too. I understand that people were and still are angry with me no matter what I say and my belief is that it is more on them than on me at this point.

After everything settled I found my way back to what I truly wanted to be doing with Jurassic-Pedia and I hope to broaden my own understanding of the canons and media tied to Jurassic Park as well as to provide empowerment through knowledge for others as well that want it. I am going to be nurturing this aspect of my fandom because I feel for it immensely and getting people excited to learn. I don't want a 40+ hour a week job with doing that though. I want to do it because it is fun to me and creates purpose for me in my life.

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:00 pm

Hi, Ty!

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:19 pm

Welcome back Ty! You know, there iwll always be a place for you here, and I totally understand wanting to step back from fandoms a bit. I felt like that myself for a while too.

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:42 pm

My place in the fandom, that I feel strongly for, is being the guy that comes in and informs people of what we know from Universal and the canon at large and what the official capacity or stance on an issue is while also remaining open to additional evidence that may be brought to light by whoever.

Occasionally maybe I say some snappy or witty anecdotes that maybe only I find amusing or so too. Razz

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:45 pm

Wouldn't it be ironic if you somehow became a mod here?

In any case, welcome back.

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Thu Feb 08, 2018 1:34 pm

@Rhedosaurus wrote:
Wouldn't it be ironic if you somehow became a mod here?

In any case, welcome back.

TBH I would flatly refuse it outright. I don't want that can of worms in my life at all.

Thanks!

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Thu Feb 08, 2018 4:03 pm

Glad to see you back!

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Fri Feb 09, 2018 7:02 am

Welcome back.

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Sun Feb 11, 2018 12:02 pm

Thank you to both of you!

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Sun Feb 11, 2018 2:28 pm

Welcome back Ty. Glad to hear you're doing well and continuing to improve!

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Sun Feb 11, 2018 10:12 pm

Welcome back.
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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Sun Feb 11, 2018 11:59 pm

Get out while you still can!

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Tue Feb 13, 2018 9:27 pm

Hey Ty, nice to see ya. :}

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Wed Feb 14, 2018 8:50 am

Thanks guys! I am happy to see familiar names here. Smile

@CT-1138 wrote:
Get out while you still can!

Oh now you say that instead of when I tried to restart the encyclopedia with Jurassic-Pedia. Razz


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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Wed Feb 14, 2018 6:11 pm

@TyrannosaurTJ wrote:
Thanks guys! I am happy to see familiar names here. Smile

I love reunions. It feels like the good ol' days back in JPL. It calls for a celebratory song.




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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Wed Feb 14, 2018 10:18 pm

Always nice to hear you're still alive and kicking, Ty.

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Fri Feb 16, 2018 8:33 pm

As someone who's struggled with depression (among other mental illnesses), I understand where you're coming from, Ty. Back on JPL I always respected you, and I still do. To quote Monty Oum (RIP), never stop moving forward, my friend.

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PostSubject: Re: A Return.... of sorts.   Sat Mar 03, 2018 7:16 pm

Thank you to everybody that has understood and expressed it (and even those that haven't but still understood)! It really means a lot and honestly I am very thankful and appreciative towards those that do understand. Anyways, it'll feel good to post here, as a member like anybody else and continue my work on the encyclopedia and expanding the content that JPL once had on Jurassic-Pedia.

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