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 Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal

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TheRexMan22
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Mon Jul 09, 2018 1:25 am

Welp. I guess a bad job is better than no job..?

In other news, I failed my learner’s exam. Ya ya I know, poor baby, cry me a river. It’s a trite matter, I get it, but I’m still kinda sad I guess xD

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Mon Jul 09, 2018 9:13 pm

I’ve been thinking about my job recently. Parts of it, I like. Other parts, not so much. There’s a lot wrong with the place I work. Aside from the usual minimum wage nonsense, there’s an animal problem. A horse was injured yesterday, and I’m pretty sure it’s dead now, based on the way it was limping. I like being able to work near animals, but it’s hard in the context of them being exploited like this. I’m trying to strike a balance between trying to be a good worker for the sake of rent while avoiding total complacency.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Wed Jul 18, 2018 9:17 pm

The budgie that I've had for the last 6 years is very sick. We've already taken her to a vet and to a bird hospital...the vet didn't give us any real ideas and we can't afford all the tests, bloodwork and a prolonged stay at the bird hospital (looking at hundreds/thousands of dollars), and even if we could, she's not hand trained so we can't administer antibiotics or injections ourselves, at least not without seriously risking injury or a heart stoppage. It seems as though we're out of options. She's been part of the family for so long and been such an important part of life that it feels like losing a family member.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Wed Jul 18, 2018 11:05 pm

Once again, I got swarmed with people attacking me on Twitter. This time, I had to endure comments about how I belong in a gas chamber for being bisexual.

I don't know what's worse: the comments, or the fact that I expect them now.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jul 19, 2018 12:03 am

@Tyrant Lizard wrote:
The budgie that I've had for the last 6 years is very sick. We've already taken her to a vet and to a bird hospital...the vet didn't give us any real ideas and we can't afford all the tests, bloodwork and a prolonged stay at the bird hospital (looking at hundreds/thousands of dollars), and even if we could, she's not hand trained so we can't administer antibiotics or injections ourselves, at least not without seriously risking injury or a heart stoppage. It seems as though we're out of options. She's been part of the family for so long and been such an important part of life that it feels like losing a family member.
So sorry to here this. It may not mean much, but my prayers are with you.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jul 19, 2018 1:06 am

@TheRexMan22 wrote:
So sorry to here this. It may not mean much, but my prayers are with you.

Thank you so much. Trust me, it means a lot.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jul 19, 2018 1:22 am

Sorry about your budgie. My sister lost two budgies a while back, and they’re the sweetest birds. Have you thought about fundraising for vet trips?

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jul 19, 2018 1:30 am

Thanks for the suggestion. Honestly, that hadn't crossed my mind. Wouldn't know where to start.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jul 19, 2018 11:31 am

If you’re disabled or trans, I know a good system that can get you what you need.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Fri Jul 20, 2018 12:15 am

I think another one of our chickens is going to die ;( I hope her passing is painless. She's a good chicken.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Fri Jul 20, 2018 12:42 am

I'm sorry to hear that, man Sad

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Fri Jul 20, 2018 1:42 am

Minor Twitter incident today. Saw someone tweet that people like me are the same as “inanimate objects” and not real people.

Folks wonder why I’m so depressed all the time. Stuff like this doesn’t help.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Sat Jul 21, 2018 8:40 am

I did my yearly MRI to check on the status of the pieces of the benign tumor that are still in my head from the extraction in 2015 and we found out it grew a few millimeters again. This happened last year and the idea was to go again in about 3 months to see and then after it didn't grow anymore in that period my neurosurgeon decided to keep it under observation on a yearly basis. So I was getting my results while talking to the nurse and she said my doctor wants to consult with the Radiation services department to figure out iff I need to be observed more often because it grew, if I need radiation treatments to try to nip it in the bud as it were, or nothing and just wait for next year's check.

The problem with the tumor is primarily is that it is in my head. I'm fortunate it's not malignant, but it is harmful to me due to the location and if it impacts my hearing like it did before in 2015. I am hoping I don't have to get radiation treatments because I know how awful I will feel after and frankly, I'm dreading that. I'm dreading the nausea, the potential risk of my hair falling out, and just being stuck in bed again. That is because in the post 6 months after my surgery I was doing nothing more but vomiting every 10 to 15 minutes and was basically bed ridden as a result. While we did find it was a psych med causing this I am very reluctant about putting myself back in a position where I could possibly feel that awful again physically. I'll be honest, when that was going, I wanted relief by whatever means. That included if I spontaneously died it would mean I'd be free of it. While I've attempted suicide in the past and have my mental health issues to contend with I really don't like feeling like that because of how awful it is. Simultaneously I also hope that if I do get radiation I don't over burden my dad like I did in 2015 after my surgery.

Either way at this point I have to sit and wait for an answer. It very well could just mean I need my MRI scans done more often in a time span or they could do nothing and just keep watching. Radiation is probably the worst case scenario here though and that's what I'm dreading myself.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Sat Jul 21, 2018 8:44 am

Shit, I'm sorry to hear that. Stating the obvious here, but I hope it works out for you and that you don't have get radiation treatment.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Sat Jul 21, 2018 12:34 pm

^^Does immunotherapy work for malign tumors as well as cancerous ones? Because if so, you should try that option.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Sat Jul 21, 2018 12:44 pm

@Tyrant Lizard wrote:
Shit, I'm sorry to hear that. Stating the obvious here, but I hope it works out for you and that you don't have get radiation treatment.

Thanks. I'm hoping I don't either. I'm hoping it's just an increase in monitoring at this point.

@Rhedosaurus wrote:
^^Does immunotherapy work for malign tumors as well as cancerous ones? Because if so, you should try that option.

Benign tumors are in a different category from malignant. Benign means it isn't harmful, but heavy concern is mostly because it is in my head, in close proximity to my brain. So it being "benign" doesn't really so matter much except that if it was actually malignant I would need additional therapy and would be classified as having brain cancer of some kind mostly. That cancer of course, could potentially spread, but with it benign it's more or less confined to what it is. Thankfully I don't in this case have much to worry about with that, but that fact potentially change too in the future to my understanding as well too. I'm really trying not to concentrate on that here and now though. Last time I did that I went on a shopping spree because I didn't think I was going to survive my surgery at the time. That was in 2015 also when I did that.

What's more is that if it grows too big it could cause issues once again in my head either chemically and/or physically. Case-in-point I had hearing going out in my right ear because the tumor was so large it pushed against my ear drum causing it to not properly vibrate when sounds happened. I was more or less deaf in my right ear. After the surgery, and in a bit of time after, I was able to hear out of my right ear again. So the concern here is that, yes it is in my head, but the fact it grew a little bit is alarming a bit as well too. It sounds worse than it is, but it's still serious and needs to be monitored and treated. Long-term care type situation basically. I just fear becoming bed-ridden again because I don't want to live like that. I'd rather kill myself if I become bed-ridden. No quality of life.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Sat Jul 21, 2018 12:45 pm

@TyrannosaurTJ wrote:
I did my yearly MRI to check on the status of the pieces of the benign tumor that are still in my head from the extraction in 2015 and we found out it grew a few millimeters again. This happened last year and the idea was to go again in about 3 months to see and then after it didn't grow anymore in that period my neurosurgeon decided to keep it under observation on a yearly basis. So I was getting my results while talking to the nurse and she said my doctor wants to consult with the Radiation services department to figure out iff I need to be observed more often because it grew, if I need radiation treatments to try to nip it in the bud as it were, or nothing and just wait for next year's check.

The problem with the tumor is primarily is that it is in my head. I'm fortunate it's not malignant, but it is harmful to me due to the location and if it impacts my hearing like it did before in 2015. I am hoping I don't have to get radiation treatments because I know how awful I will feel after and frankly, I'm dreading that. I'm dreading the nausea, the potential risk of my hair falling out, and just being stuck in bed again. That is because in the post 6 months after my surgery I was doing nothing more but vomiting every 10 to 15 minutes and was basically bed ridden as a result. While we did find it was a psych med causing this I am very reluctant about putting myself back in a position where I could possibly feel that awful again physically. I'll be honest, when that was going, I wanted relief by whatever means. That included if I spontaneously died it would mean I'd be free of it. While I've attempted suicide in the past and have my mental health issues to contend with I really don't like feeling like that because of how awful it is. Simultaneously I also hope that if I do get radiation I don't over burden my dad like I did in 2015 after my surgery.

Either way at this point I have to sit and wait for an answer. It very well could just mean I need my MRI scans done more often in a time span or they could do nothing and just keep watching. Radiation is probably the worst case scenario here though and that's what I'm dreading myself.
OMG dude that is awful. I had no idea.

So sorry and i know i would freak out if this was happening with me. Hit me up on FB if you ever need to talk
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Sat Jul 21, 2018 12:57 pm

@TyrannosaurTJ wrote:
@Tyrant Lizard wrote:
Shit, I'm sorry to hear that. Stating the obvious here, but I hope it works out for you and that you don't have get radiation treatment.

Thanks. I'm hoping I don't either. I'm hoping it's just an increase in monitoring at this point.

@Rhedosaurus wrote:
^^Does immunotherapy work for malign tumors as well as cancerous ones? Because if so, you should try that option.

Benign tumors are in a different category from malignant. Benign means it isn't harmful, but heavy concern is mostly because it is in my head, in close proximity to my brain. So it being "benign" doesn't really so matter much except that if it was actually malignant I would need additional therapy and would be classified as having brain cancer of some kind mostly. That cancer of course, could potentially spread, but with it benign it's more or less confined to what it is. Thankfully I don't in this case have much to worry about with that, but that fact potentially change too in the future to my understanding as well too. I'm really trying not to concentrate on that here and now though. Last time I did that I went on a shopping spree because I didn't think I was going to survive my surgery at the time. That was in 2015 also when I did that.

What's more is that if it grows too big it could cause issues once again in my head either chemically and/or physically. Case-in-point I had hearing going out in my right ear because the tumor was so large it pushed against my ear drum causing it to not properly vibrate when sounds happened. I was more or less deaf in my right ear. After the surgery, and in a bit of time after, I was able to hear out of my right ear again. So the concern here is that, yes it is in my head, but the fact it grew a little bit is alarming a bit as well too. It sounds worse than it is, but it's still serious and needs to be monitored and treated. Long-term care type situation basically. I just fear becoming bed-ridden again because I don't want to live like that. I'd rather kill myself if I become bed-ridden. No quality of life.


I just hope it's not too bad and that enough of it gets removed before it gets worse.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Sat Jul 21, 2018 8:46 pm

I just said goodbye to my grandmother. I won’t be seeing her again before a dangerous surgery. I’m scared.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Sat Jul 21, 2018 9:38 pm

@Rhedosaurus wrote:
@TyrannosaurTJ wrote:
@Tyrant Lizard wrote:
Shit, I'm sorry to hear that. Stating the obvious here, but I hope it works out for you and that you don't have get radiation treatment.

Thanks. I'm hoping I don't either. I'm hoping it's just an increase in monitoring at this point.

@Rhedosaurus wrote:
^^Does immunotherapy work for malign tumors as well as cancerous ones? Because if so, you should try that option.

Benign tumors are in a different category from malignant. Benign means it isn't harmful, but heavy concern is mostly because it is in my head, in close proximity to my brain. So it being "benign" doesn't really so matter much except that if it was actually malignant I would need additional therapy and would be classified as having brain cancer of some kind mostly. That cancer of course, could potentially spread, but with it benign it's more or less confined to what it is. Thankfully I don't in this case have much to worry about with that, but that fact potentially change too in the future to my understanding as well too. I'm really trying not to concentrate on that here and now though. Last time I did that I went on a shopping spree because I didn't think I was going to survive my surgery at the time. That was in 2015 also when I did that.

What's more is that if it grows too big it could cause issues once again in my head either chemically and/or physically. Case-in-point I had hearing going out in my right ear because the tumor was so large it pushed against my ear drum causing it to not properly vibrate when sounds happened. I was more or less deaf in my right ear. After the surgery, and in a bit of time after, I was able to hear out of my right ear again. So the concern here is that, yes it is in my head, but the fact it grew a little bit is alarming a bit as well too. It sounds worse than it is, but it's still serious and needs to be monitored and treated. Long-term care type situation basically. I just fear becoming bed-ridden again because I don't want to live like that. I'd rather kill myself if I become bed-ridden. No quality of life.


I just hope it's not too bad and that enough of it gets removed before it gets worse.

Well it did get mostly removed in 2015 when I was confined to a hospital bed from May to September. So the pieces that remain are the parts that were too close to something vital and couldn't be removed. So the surgery is done basically, but if the remaining pieces grow (which they are by millimeters right now) then they will have to do something about that to stop it. Radiation or surgery again.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Sat Jul 21, 2018 10:53 pm

Don't read this if animal suffering bothers you.

Wellll this morning we decided to put the chicken down because she's too sick to heal, and basically was living in misery and pain. I volunteered because I have done it before, granted, I almost couldn't do it and the experience was kind of traumatic --- but I didn't want my mom to have to do it, with every animal that has died she seems to get more and more stressed and sad, I wanted to protect her from that I guess.
So I took the knife to the chicken's throat, but the first slice didn't do it, and neither did the second, and I just panicked and started swearing and calling for my mom to come finish the job. She managed to do it reasonably fast and I was left crying like last time. And that's kind of been haunting me for the rest of the day.
I know I shouldn't blame myself but I do, I caused the poor chicken more pain that was necessary. In an effort to protect my mom from having to do it, I caused a poor helpless animal further suffering and I hate myself a lot right now

At least she's at peace now though.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Sat Jul 21, 2018 11:22 pm

@Lord Kristine wrote:
I just said goodbye to my grandmother. I won’t be seeing her again before a dangerous surgery. I’m scared.
im really sorry LK. My thoughts are with you and your grandmother.
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Tue Jul 24, 2018 8:20 pm

Found out today, it is official. I am needing radiation treatments, the order is being mailed to me so I can get them down close to my apartment and my dad's. Can go anywhere from 6 to 8 weeks. Joy.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Tue Jul 24, 2018 8:49 pm

Shit man, I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully it doesn't hit you as hard this time around.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Thu Jul 26, 2018 10:57 pm

My grandmother made it through surgery, and I'm relieved.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:34 pm

I know this isnt the platform to post kinda super personal shit on here, but with the mental state im in right now, i need to. My best friend is a female. I have been best friends with this woman for 13 years or so. We also work together which is pretty fun, but at the same time, it hasnt been. Over the past few weeks, our wonderful co-workers have been telling her I have feelings for her, and while it would be awesome to be with your best friend, this is just not the case. When it happened a few weeks ago, I managed to fix it and I told her, if this were earlier in our lives, then yeah maybe, but now? Nothing is there. I gave her some space the past few days and asked if she was upset with me because she hadnt been replying to me texting her, and thats when she said people are telling her this still, on top of me saying i dislike her husband. All of this is 100% false. So now, I'm going through the notion of potentially losing my best friend, who's been there for me most of my life and is like the sister I never had, because people are running their fucking mouths. I almost burst into tears earlier because I never went through this with her. This fucking sucks.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Tue Aug 07, 2018 11:20 pm

@Dead2009 wrote:
I know this isnt the platform to post kinda super personal shit on here, but with the mental state im in right now, i need to. My best friend is a female. I have been best friends with this woman for 13 years or so. We also work together which is pretty fun, but at the same time, it hasnt been. Over the past few weeks, our wonderful co-workers have been telling her I have feelings for her, and while it would be awesome to be with your best friend, this is just not the case. When it happened a few weeks ago, I managed to fix it and I told her, if this were earlier in our lives, then yeah maybe, but now? Nothing is there. I gave her some space the past few days and asked if she was upset with me because she hadnt been replying to me texting her, and thats when she said people are telling her this still, on top of me saying i dislike her husband. All of this is 100% false. So now, I'm going through the notion of potentially losing my best friend, who's been there for me most of my life and is like the sister I never had, because people are running their fucking mouths. I almost burst into tears earlier because I never went through this with her. This fucking sucks.

Oh my god that’s terrible! Why are your co workers choosing to do this?
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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Wed Aug 08, 2018 5:46 pm

@Dead2009 wrote:
I know this isnt the platform to post kinda super personal shit on here, but with the mental state im in right now, i need to. My best friend is a female. I have been best friends with this woman for 13 years or so. We also work together which is pretty fun, but at the same time, it hasnt been. Over the past few weeks, our wonderful co-workers have been telling her I have feelings for her, and while it would be awesome to be with your best friend, this is just not the case. When it happened a few weeks ago, I managed to fix it and I told her, if this were earlier in our lives, then yeah maybe, but now? Nothing is there. I gave her some space the past few days and asked if she was upset with me because she hadnt been replying to me texting her, and thats when she said people are telling her this still, on top of me saying i dislike her husband. All of this is 100% false. So now, I'm going through the notion of potentially losing my best friend, who's been there for me most of my life and is like the sister I never had, because people are running their fucking mouths. I almost burst into tears earlier because I never went through this with her. This fucking sucks.

Damn man, I'm so sorry. If you ever feel you need to talk, send me a PM. We can talk there or get on an instant messenger or something.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Wed Aug 08, 2018 7:50 pm

So update concerning my pending radiation treatments:

I found out today that the radiation treatments I'm going to receive are, at the most, possibly going to cause either an ear ache, stuffy sinuses, and/or sore throat a little bit at the most. The risk is very minimal to me and it won't cause the symptoms I feared. The oncology doctor said that there are no concerns for nausea or even hair loss. This managed to shut down a lot of what I was afraid of and feared would happen if the situation. Actually what I was mostly afraid of was the fact I was going to end up like I was post-surgery in 2015 with being confined to a bed and vomiting into a bucket ever 10 minutes. Given I know the reason for that now would be the anti-psychotic I was on previously for my schizoaffective symptoms. The other thing, hair loss, is kind of an irrational fear somewhat. I mean if I shaved my head I'd probably look like Darth Vader without the helmet. Like in particular that scene in ESB when Piett catches him without the back part of his helmet. I have extensive scaring back there, not only from my surgery but also from when I was a little and I busted open the back of my head and again when I tripped over my dad's foot in True Value Hardware and had one of those product posts go through the back of my head. So it was a bit of a vanity reason I admit, but that's where I'd get hats to cover it up if I could manage. Thankfully though with what I was told today by the Oncology doctor I don't have to worry about this at all.

So that said, the oncology people are going to let me know when I go in next Tuesday about how many treatments I need to get in. They are going to be 5 (for one week) or 25 (staggered every other day) for 5 to 6 weeks depending what he talks about with my neurosurgeon in Cleveland and will let me know when I go in then. To say again I am very relieved it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

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PostSubject: Re: Blow Off Some Steam: Through the Portal   Wed Aug 08, 2018 9:45 pm

@TyrannosaurTJ wrote:
So update concerning my pending radiation treatments:

I found out today that the radiation treatments I'm going to receive are, at the most, possibly going to cause either an ear ache, stuffy sinuses, and/or sore throat a little bit at the most. The risk is very minimal to me and it won't cause the symptoms I feared. The oncology doctor said that there are no concerns for nausea or even hair loss. This managed to shut down a lot of what I was afraid of and feared would happen if the situation. Actually what I was mostly afraid of was the fact I was going to end up like I was post-surgery in 2015 with being confined to a bed and vomiting into a bucket ever 10 minutes. Given I know the reason for that now would be the anti-psychotic I was on previously for my schizoaffective symptoms. The other thing, hair loss, is kind of an irrational fear somewhat. I mean if I shaved my head I'd probably look like Darth Vader without the helmet. Like in particular that scene in ESB when Piett catches him without the back part of his helmet. I have extensive scaring back there, not only from my surgery but also from when I was a little and I busted open the back of my head and again when I tripped over my dad's foot in True Value Hardware and had one of those product posts go through the back of my head. So it was a bit of a vanity reason I admit, but that's where I'd get hats to cover it up if I could manage. Thankfully though with what I was told today by the Oncology doctor I don't have to worry about this at all.

So that said, the oncology people are going to let me know when I go in next Tuesday about how many treatments I need to get in. They are going to be 5 (for one week) or 25 (staggered every other day) for 5 to 6 weeks depending what he talks about with my neurosurgeon in Cleveland and will let me know when I go in then. To say again I am very relieved it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

That's good to hear. I'm hoping you get even better news out of all of it.

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